And for any of you having a bad day, here is my awesome dad.
I wish I knew more white dads
Oh damn boy has moves
Everything I wanted I was all in a dream.
I still wasn't much or was that just how I seem?
(Pictured above: a text message from a month before she passed away from her battle with Cystic Fibrosis)
what a way the world has chosen to be. i am so negative, yet she reassures me and holds me still. i have nothing so wrong in my bleak selfdom, sans the poison that drives the ego forward, yet she stared down terminal illness and never complained through her fluttering breaths.
Do you see how I could I hate myself for taking this all for granted and feeling this loneliness so intensely when she was so willing to dole out the love i longed for? Ah, but she couldn’t be loved by me because she legitimately thought i had potential and was a good person. and i was just thinking about how she thought i was a good person. i told noah, “man, she’s the girl any good man would bring home to his mother. too bad i’m a terrible person.”
and for anyone who was wondering now, that’s why i drink and feel sorry for myself. the thing that pains me more than anything today in my life is her meeting my father in the afterlife I don’t believe in and them both being mildly disappointed in my not meeting my potential.
"girls aren’t fucking toys to be played with by little boys"
secret stuff, an emo band
thoughts for 2am? hunt this feeling in the cold of night alone with only a flashlight in tow and kill the sentiment with fire. The world we live in is bright and clouded with things that seem enormous in scope. Politics, economics, philosophy, science, exploration. But these institutions are objectively narrow and trivial when we reel in the frailty of humanity. We seek their ends and then we see our own in death. The world uses us or discards us for its gain, then they see their ends in collapse.
God forbid we choose that path before fate shows us out though. Because in this convoluted world, leaving the party before you get kicked out is selfish and close-minded, grim and hurtful to others. Open-mindedness and concern for the well-being of the others is why you live. You breathe to serve. You serve, or else.
Art is the only worthwhile directive left in the world.
i’m cold and tired. good night.